There’s no guidebook on how to navigate your emotions after you have experienced a miscarriage. Everyone’s experience is different, and everyone copes differently. I have learned from my own experiences that there is no “right” way to process it, and that by just giving it “time” things will get better. Yes, with time, coping with your loss does get easier but it never goes away, it is something you will carry with you for the rest of your life.
I never thought I would have a miscarriage, let alone two miscarriages. As I sit here writing this, I am currently in the middle of experiencing my second miscarriage. I honestly didn’t know what to expect this time around, I thought since already going through it before it would be somewhat easier, but it definitely isn’t.
Miscarriage #1
I experienced a miscarriage in 2018, nearly five years ago.
I’ll never forget the moment we found out we would miscarry, it was the first time I ever saw my husband cry. We went for our dating scan at 6 weeks-as the lady put the ultrasound on my belly we were anxious to see the little bean, but minutes went by and she didn’t say anything, then she suggested we do an internal ultrasound because she couldn’t see anything. She kept asking if I had experienced any bleeding to which I replied no. I thought it was strange she was asking that question but thought it was normal protocol. So then we do the internal scan and again, silence. Then the words finally hit us “I am so sorry but I don’t see anything.” I remember looking at her and saying “You see nothing? What does that even mean?! I am pregnant, a baby should be there! If there is nothing there then how am I pregnant?”
That’s when she told us that we had a blighted ovum, essentially a ghost pregnancy. It’s where the embryo never develops or develops but is reabsorbed by the body. You have a gestational sack and all the symptoms of pregnancy but there is no embryo there. I had never heard of it before and I asked the technician if it was common and she looked at me and replied “It’s more common than you would know.” At that moment I felt the room closing in on us, my husband and I just collapsed into each other’s arms and cried.
I decided to miscarry naturally, meaning I would honour my body’s time and would let it pass when it was meant to. I didn’t imagine it to be like labour when it actually happened but since having my son, the miscarriage was most certainly like labour. I experienced hours of contractions and deep labour pains and after some time and heavy bleeding, I passed the remnants of what would have been my growing baby’s womb. It took me a long time to heal emotionally, as time went on things got easier but the pain of losing a baby never leaves you.
Miscarriage # 2
Here I sit, 8 weeks pregnant, waiting for my next miscarriage to occur. About a week ago I had some brown spotting but didn’t think much of it as I had the same spotting during my pregnancy with Louie, however after a few days the brown spotting started to have some blood in it. At that moment I knew something wasn’t right so I called my midwife. She recommended that I get a scan to see if everything is okay, but since I want to avoid as many scans as possible unless medically necessary I asked her if we could re-test my HCG levels since we had already done them a week ago so we could compare. If my pregnancy was healthy those numbers would have doubled within the week. However, instead of doubling they decreased, they went from 17,500 IU/L to 17,100 IU/L. Now, I know there are some very rare instances where a woman’s HCG levels can drop and still have a viable pregnancy but in my heart, I knew something was wrong. After those results, I was happy to get a scan done just to double-check. I went for the scan and saw my little baby on the screen in front of me, then I heard the words “Here is your baby, but I am sorry, there is no heartbeat.” Again, I didn’t know what to expect, I knew in my heart the pregnancy wasn’t viable but upon hearing those words as I saw my baby, it was like pushing the knife in again. At that moment I left my body and I left feeling numb and destroyed. I felt as though I was floating outside of my body and that life around me just kept passing me by, my body was there, but I was not.
Moving Through Loss
When we go through loss, it’s easy to feel alone even when we are surrounded by so much love. Since hearing the news, I’ve felt isolated, and alone and naturally have retreated inward. I have been feeling all the emotions the past few days, anger, grief, pain, fear, sadness and loss. It’s as if I’ve been free falling and the ground beneath me has been taken away.
Every day is different but most days I feel flat as I sit with the grief waiting for it to physically happen all while still feeling pregnant. My nausea is still here, my exhaustion is still present yet the life inside me is no longer living, it’s a very strange feeling.
At times I experience feelings of sorrow and heartbreak, where tears just begin to flow down my face. Apart of my grief is allowing myself to break down, allowing my body to release these feelings and learning that the process of my grief has been day to day.
I have found that the most important thing for me to handle this with grace is for me to trust the timing of things, not necessarily that things happen for a reason but that the time will be right when it’s meant to be. I have been tested, but I will grow and learn from this.
The feelings I am feeling are difficult, but they are something I do not want to push aside, I want to acknowledge them, I want my body, mind and heart to go through what it needs to come out the other side stronger for it.
Choosing to Miscarry Naturally
It’s one thing to know you’re going to miscarry but then waiting for it to happen is another pain in itself. You go from wanting your pregnancy to wanting it to be over as fast as you could possibly imagine.
I know there are other options, I know I could go in for a D&C but I always want to avoid any medical procedure unless it is absolutely medically necessary. Herbs are a close ally of mine so I am currently taking a few herbal tinctures to help the process begin. This is something I will expand further with another post once it has been completed.
Finding Gratitude within the Sorrow
I’ve been doing a lot of reflection this past week, lots of meditation and lots of soul work. Digging deep to find the joy within the sorrow. No matter how hard something is, you can begin again. I have been choosing to stay in gratitude. I am beyond grateful for my husband and my beautiful son. I may be losing a second baby but I have been blessed with a healthy child that I am forever grateful. I am surrounded by love, family, and friends from around the world who have shown up with phone calls, flowers and messages. I may be feeling alone in all of this but I am surrounded by so much light.
When I was in the car the other day, an old-time favourite song of mine came on and as tears fell down my face, I sang the lyrics out loud with a smile on my face.
“When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through.” T.A.R
And as I wait for the physical aspect to happen, I choose to do just that, even though my hope is gone, I will move along to make it through. I will find my inner strength to show up for my family despite the pain and I will look for hope when the time is right to try again. I do not want to live in fear of having another miscarriage, I want to properly heal, mentally, physically and spiritually so that when the time comes I will be in the best frame of mind. In the moments of dealing with loss, we are not alone, we deserve to grieve and its apart of the process to deep healing and awakening. I choose not to stay stuck in the story of my loss, I want to feel what I’m feeling, be present and to be grateful for what I have. All things are impermanent and all things do pass.
“May we bring strength where there is weakness, may we bring courage where there is fear, may we bring compassion where there is suffering, and may bring light where there is darkness. May we be ultimate.” Travis Eliot
